BULIMIA. A life free from it.

by Vashte on February 28, 2014

As a self confessed ‘foodie’ I love to share my learnings, creations and ideas on this page hoping that I inspire a few others to come to the realisation that food is our friend, and not the enemy.

Fillet of Salmon in lemon and pesto with Fresh Salads

My ENTIRE life I have believed the opposite; that food was my enemy. I thought this was my lot in life and I just had to live with it; that I had a ‘love-hate’ relationship with food and this was the way life was going to stay.

I have been on so many diets, so many pills and every fix known to man (woman) to get my weight/size down. I know what it is like to battle the mind every moment of every day of your entire life wondering where the voices came from, and where the decision for this love/hate thing evolved from.

More importantly:  how to get rid of it.

I started dieting young. I have always had eyes on me as a young girl with a pretty face; intellectual (had to work at that); and very competitive and successful in sports. Yet, I grew fast in my teen years. Yay- for some but not for a self-conscious sports girl.

Food became my escape. I thought I ate well; healthy, and followed the rules. The rules that stipulated grains are ‘healthy’ and ‘good’ for you. So healthy whole grains  will help keep me lean and filled with energy? Wrong. Boy; is that the biggest, FATTEST LIE the food industry has had the audacity to vomit all over us, and is still allowed to do so? It makes me angry to say the least.

How can we move forward as a healthy nation(s) when we are SOLD constant lies like this. People like you and I think we are doing the right thing, when, in fact, the truth is the complete opposite. Celebrities endorse rubbish products; sports people we, and especially young people admire and aspire to be like.  Where is the integrity?  When they wouldn’t eat these foods even if it was the last ‘food’ item on the earth. Hypocrisy I cry!!

Enter, stage left, to my life bulimia. But first I lost a truck load of weight through Weight Watchers. I have never been  significantly overweight at any stage in my life, but have lived at the heavier zone of the ‘healthy weight range’ at times. It all started with training for sports and eating too much wheat/fibre. Little did I know then. (If only I had known then what I know now, it could have saved years of agony.)

You don’t have to be significantly different to passionately hate yourself you know.

I know as I have lived many years masking that truth.

So success reigned in for me at age 15 when I lost so much weight I touched on anorexia..but didn’t quite make it. So, as I ‘failed’ at that as well (note the language used- I thought I was a failure in life). Here is where the love/hate thing with food entered my life and pretty much stayed with me until only very recently. Bulimia. A Love/Hate relationship with food representing a love-hate relationship with self. More hate than love but as passive aggressive people we rarely take it further. Enough that it rules our lives and minds.

I visited the hospital as an outpatient for a short time working through this event around this age.  Perhaps this is when I decided to study the mind and how it worked to complete a degree in psychology, as I found it far too easy to tell the therapists what they wanted to hear, or lie to them and have them believe me.  Interesting that.

Bulimia is not just vomiting food back up. A person with bulimia will use whatever means there is to ‘purge’ food eaten. This can involve vomiting, laxatives, excessive exercise.. any way that person thinks they can get rid of the ‘bad’ or unwanted food eaten. As they get older, they often get wiser and more able to justify certain behaviours to sell them as acceptable and normal.- To themselves as well as those around them.

They can starve themselves for long periods of time going on strict diets, and then BOOM one day eat one thing off the schedule, and it is all over red rover. The bingeing starts.

Noone would ever guess that I have experienced this. It is not something many people speak on and we are usually pretty good at keeping it quiet. Professionals don’t get caught.

I am sharing this with anyone reading my blog as I think it is important you know that I am not perfect. I do my best. I learn. I grow. I need help sometimes. I help others. We all have our strengths and we all have those points that are not so strong. Admitting those not so strong points can help us beat them. When they are kept a secret they can and will eat you alive, eventually killing you. Literally.

One Life, Live it Well

So what needs to change for a person living a life like this? A lot, yes. But one step at a time is the answer, as it is with all things in life.

Steps. There are always steps to progress -big and small. When we understand this we can move forward whilst in control, or gaining control. The key word here is únderstand’.

I understood that the behaviour of bulimia was not sensible or positive but I continued this for most of my adult life regardless; seeking answers through routine, systems and rules. Permitting it to continue by not dealing with it.  This doesn’t work because routines, systems and rules are always broken or changed at some stage so we need flexibility. A person who inherently believes they are at the mercy of anything else, be that a person, thing or situation, is a victim. They are a person living in blame; passing responsibility off to other people, other situations or other things.

Living and allowing bulimia to have any part of my life gave all the power to…food! An inanimate object??! Food- which is meant to be a source of nourishment and enjoyment; to me was a severe source of pain and hatred.

Stepping out of the blame side of life and into the responsibility side of life has been easier than I could ever have imagined.

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There are steps I took in the ‘natural’. Meaning steps made by man; developed by psychologists, great ideas from people who speak on how they themselves freed themselves from the dark depths of despair.. (please note that many people who claim such things are not always walking in truth– scratch at the surface and you will see for yourself so beware the blind leading the blind…)

Many of these steps make good logical sense. I have spent years studying the mind and how it works, and have the qualifications to boot. But somehow there was always an empty void there, despite the great ideas and science behind many theories.

So what was missing?

Spiritual Truth.

Enter Christ. When the concept of Christianity was reintroduced to my world in 2008, I was just like most sceptics out there. I was sure there was God- some universal spirit being overseeing us all. I am inherently sure I have not evolved from any animal. But my question was: what and who is this universal God?

I have spent many days, perhaps years screaming into the night with a silent cry asking “why am I here????”. But I was screaming into darkness and not to anything or anyone specifically. So when the concept of Christianity was brought once more into my life, I was vehement I was not one of those “archaic, dusty Christians”. What I was thinking and visualising was the concept of ‘religion’. Man Made religion. Religion overflowing with rules and regulations (I  make enough of my own without the need for some crusty old human dictating how I’m supposed to be in this life); that Man Made Religion packed with hypocritical paedophiles; that Man Made Religion not designed for 21st living. No. I was definitely NOT one of those and never will be.

I’m still not!

When Christianity was explained and then shown to me for what it really is; that is: true love, true peace, true forgiveness; then that is when I was happy to

  • A. Give my heart to Jesus and ask Him to live in it.
  • B. Be called a Christian- A follower of Christ.

Christianity: where no man or woman tells me how to love God, myself or others because God has written it all down in His own Bible.  I can read it for myself, from my own heart and He can do his loving work in me and change me from the inside out without any other man or woman giving their spin or opinion on it. Thankyou very much!

So He did, He has and He continues to.

Chains have been broken from my life just ‘like that’’. Some took a little working, some took a lot and some still have to be. But when change comes from within, and a little seed is planted – in love- showing us how to change, and giving us the strength to change, and giving us the belief that we CAN change… because no matter what we do, say or are, that God LOVES us no matter what… and we are safe..and we are protected…and when we don’t have the strength we can give it all to Him because we are strong in the Lord and the power of His might….

Then we can make the change.

Until then, we will always be in our heads. This is fact. I lived there most of my life and often go back to living in my head until I am reminded to reconnect to my heart. That is where God lives if you ask Him to. That is where He can make more change in your life than you EVER thought possible.

Bulimia. Just ONE chain I carried around most of my adult life. Gone. That one took a bit of work. It started with beginning to understand HOW MUCH God loves me. How much He has ALWAYS been there for me and protected me- even through the REALLY, REALLY bad times. He protected me. So in seeing these truths, I could finally break the concrete barrier I had laid over, and over, and over, and over that issue to ‘protect’ my heart from more hurt. In this space I could feel and connect safely with the behaviour and understand what drove it. In this space I could let it go. Forever.

You know when something leaves your life forever. Spiritually you will feel it. Because YOU control what you allow in and out of your life.

Bulimia. That issue I held onto as a security blanket for so long. Why? Well without it..what was I? I had infused it into such an everyday event in life even until recently; that without it- if I let it go- there would be an empty space. Be careful with empty spaces. Make sure you fill them with Truth. I filled mine with God’s love, His peace and His total acceptance.

Today I no longer have to exercise for hours on end to burn off the food I ate. The food I ate was often not even in excess but I had developed such a negative association with so many items it was obsessive. I can walk past a shop selling items I used to crave and obsess over, and not have any connection whatsoever. I no longer have that burning desire to self harm- because that is what it is. Really. There are fewer and fewer rules that ‘won’t allow’ me to have this or that- because I just don’t want them anymore, or I can have a taste and be satisfied. This in itself is a miracle.  Such is the mind of a person carrying bulimia. What it boils down to is self-love. Or self-hate.

The words I speak over myself are now empowering, most of the time. The words I speak come directly from the Bible. I have tried affirmations. They are nice. They are like pretty flowers to brighten a room but they die, quickly. They are not from Truth. I speak the words that God speaks about me. They quicken my Spirit and make me alive. The Spirit knows Truth when it sees and hears it.

Through loving myself and accepting myself, because God loves and accepts me- no matter what; I can change. I have changed and will continue to change exponentially.  I use my thorough studies in psychology; neuro linguistic programming; fitness; and nutrition to work on a practical level. But without the words from God’s one true book of the Bible, nothing would instigate permanent and lasting change. I took a year out to study the Bible at Rhema Bible College. Here I developed an understanding and an amazing relationship with The Lord God.  That was in 2011 completing a Dip in Biblical Studies. The best year Spiritually of my life. Perhaps one of the hardest emotionally and physically.

But you see, God always shines through your darkest days, if you give Him permission; and reigns down on the great days!! He is the ultimate gentleman and will not force himself on you; will not push you, nor harass you. He waits at the door of your heart, and knocks gently, yet persistently, for you to answer and ask Him in for tea or coffee. Try it. My life has never been so abundantly blessed, so incredibly freed, so wonderfully positive since I asked Him in.

Even through death I am more blessed than even before.

I am all about control. I love to have it. Do not like being out of it. Just look at what happened when I jumped out of an aeroplane. I am an orderly person, and do live with rules and regulations. They are part of my personality. I like them. They make everything tidy and keep things in order. But I give everything to God now. Bulimia is a thing of the past and that’s why I can write about it.

  • I write to perhaps offer hope to anyone else out there who may experience moments of disorder. Because that is what it is- out of order 😉
  • I write to help, even if it is just one person, because YOU as that ONE person; YOU are important. Especially to The Lord.
  • I write because I do not think I am alone in having lived this nightmare. So whether you are someone or know someone who lives an eating ‘disorder’ for a long time or short time.. you are not alone. And if you start to face it; Speak it out and understand it; you are well on your way to destroying that issue.
  • I write because despite this being something most people won’t speak about, or are ashamed of; I am not. It is just another ‘thing’ that I allowed into my life and I have exited it out. No big deal. Nothing is a big deal. Why give it that power. It is ‘just’ something; like an ‘event’; that I experienced and passed. And perhaps because of it, I can reach out to you, or someone you know, to help guide them along the way. Perhaps this synopsis can be a light; a glimmer of hope or even a huge propulsion in the right direction.

Bulimia. It took me around 20 years to break the chain despite a university education, even further education, and immersion into a plethora of mind-body-soul strategies. Why? Because I was looking in all the wrong places for the key.

The heart. The Spirit. That is where the key is to break any chain you have.

Vashte BawdenYou are welcome to connect with me on facebook (inspiration and motivation); instagram (food pictures only so be aware of that); on this post or email me at info@vashte.com

I offer coaching sessions via skype if you are looking for a mentor or trainer to move you from a stuck place, into a place of growth and empowerment. Ask me about it. 

God bless you and thank you for hanging with me here. I hope this journey has shown you some truth into a little part that has made me who I am today; and given you hope for your very own future. It’s a bitch living life blaming other people, things or circumstances for what happens in your own life. Take ownership back, over EVERYTHING.

Subscribe to my webpage!!– the link is at the top right corner- and you will be updated via email when I post on this site.

Xx Vashte xx

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